one.

I am coming down the stairs of my quaint townhouse, in my white skirt suit and heels. I am nervous as h-e-double hockey sticks. Today is the day I say I do….or I will or finally YES. I say not only yes to my groom but I say yes to a new life and I say yes to being obedient. A long time ago…9/6/08 to be exact I was attending a prayer vigil. I was a new face and a new family member at New World. The night before the prayer vigil, as I prayed and meditated, I had this revelation about the number 3. All the things that come in threes….Husband, wife, and child…father, son, holy spirit….love, hope, and faith. At that time I prayed for the person who would complete my “3″, my mate. My mind stuck on things in threes and being a “math-head” I seen revelence in the date…9-6, which was divisible by three…..such as 6-21 is, my wedding date. OK, I figured I might lose some of you @ this point, but my point is I knew something special was coming my way…I just did not know when, BUT I did not lose faith in God and his miracles.

So I am coming down the steps and turn to see a few close friends, my Pastor and his big grin and my groom. I revel in this magnificent moment. As far as I have come I never thought I could feel complete or whole with another person. I feel that now. I feel this man to be my true companion and best friend.  I often feel wild deep down inside…even if it doesn’t show.  He is my stability, my voice of reason.  He is my guide and protector and loves as a man should love his wife…blamelessly and with deep love and affection.

For four years I have wrote and prayed that I would find someone so loving and kind, because I have experienced such the opposite. To tell you truth I did not FIND him….he found me. We have a mutual friend that I thought that is how we started talking…apparently I was wrong. I asked him how he found me and he just says “it’s a miracle”…I said uh-huh…BUT maybe he is right.  Maybe THAT miracle did happen, and even for me.

On this day I stand with my groom in front of me, a few loved ones witness our union, our hands are interlocked.  We exchange rings and words, I vow to be his forever…forever is a long time unless it is with your best friend, and then it is no time at all….no time at all.

We are now one.

God is love.  God is in each one of us…we resonate that love to each other, I can not express in words how it feels.

Both free and priceless?

There are things in this world that are both free and priceless.  It kinda seems like “free” and “priceless” would not go together but since I believe in Jesus it is just a natural thing for me to believe in and to recognise things in this world that are both truly free and truly priceless.

Best friends are free and truly priceless…and if you are broke, they might even lend you a dollar or two.
If you are sick and your bf drives across town to make you dinner…just to make sure you eat…now that is free and sooo priceless.
A childs love and adoration…free and priceless.
People watching at the mall, free and priceless….entertainment;).
Good, better or great conversation…free and priceless…just don’t do it @ Starbucks:)~.
A SMILE IS FREE AND PRICELESS…FOR EVERYONE.
Love has always been free and has always been priceless….TY God!
Jesus, redeemer….free and priceless.
Relationship w/ God….YES….Free and priceless….as U R.
As I learn to love as Jesus does…my love IS free and also priceless.

Come, you who are blessed by the Lord.

Genesis 24:

 Abraham had recently buried his wife and had a son that was not married, both were mourning and it was time for a change…and for the convenant to be carried out.  Abraham wanted a wife for his son that was from his native land of Canaan. Abraham sent his servant with riches back to Canaan to find a wife for his son, Isaac.   God had promised to give Abraham many offspring(I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore Gen 22:17) The servant was nervous about not finding the proper girl so he prayed, “O LORD, God of my master Abraham, give me success today, and show kindness to my master Abraham.  See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water.  May it be that when I say to a girl, ‘Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too’-let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master.”  Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder.  The girl was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever lain with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again.  The servant hurried to meet her and said, “Please give me a little water from your jar.” “Drink, my lord,” she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink.  After she had given him a drink, she said, “I’ll draw water for your camels too, until they have finished drinking.”  WOW!  Before the servant even finished praying….WOW. 

The favor of God was upon the servant and Abraham.  The angels were sent ahead of time so that the convenant could be fulfilled. 

The servant gave Rebekah a gold nose ring and 2 gold bracelets, and  The girl ran and told her mother’s household about these things.   The servant had asked for a place to sleep for the night and Rebekah took him back to her home to set up a place for him to rest.

Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, and he hurried out to the man at the spring.  As soon as he had seen the nose ring, and the bracelets on his sister’s arms, and had heard Rebekah tell what the man said to her, he went out to the man and found him standing by the camels near the spring.  “Come, you who are blessed by the LORD,” he said. “Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels.”

Here is the thing that strikes me-Rebekahs brother had not met the servant, but had only heard about him and seen the gold jewelry…but YET automatically KNEW that the servant was BLESSED by the LORD. God was at work and the his favor had preceeded the servant and it makes me ponder this…what is it about me that radiates that I am blessed?  Is it gold, it is in my walk…what is it?  What makes a person know I am blessed without speaking to me directly?  Are the angels paving a way for me?  Do I have favor? 

In some people you can JUST see it.  Some people have seen it in me….the blessings, the favor.  It just makes me think how very touched I am by Gods hand…and that is very humbling.  It does not make me feel full of self, but full of God.

love, full known

• Love is patient, love is kind.

• It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

• It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

• Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

• It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

I am writing this because I just need to admit somethings.  I have been very unloving.  I look back to my relationships past and present and realize that IF this is truly what Love is about…I am a very unloving person.

I don’t think that how I believe is uncommon…but is it right?  I treat others how they treat me.  If they are rude, I am rude back.   I am not always patient and long-suffering.  I don’t always HOPE because I choose not to, it is indeed my choice.

I tell you, and what is even worse….is the folks that are closest to me and deep in my heart are the ones that I can me most unloving to.  WHY?  Because I know that I am most vulnerable to them.  They KNOW me, they know my weaknesses…my soft underbelly, my Achilles heel.

Has my love always hope, trusted, protected and persevered?  No.  My love has been conditional, on the condition that you do right by me, by my standards, and so I admit to my selfishness.  I forgive myself, as I forgive others.  I die to my old thinking and ways,  and I hope for better and brighter days.  A more loving me…a ME that does fight back…but only with love and tenderness.

I want to experience Love, fully known.  A love that seeks relentlessly.  Unconditional love.  Love through God because He IS love.  And as great as that, I want to give that kind of love to others…relentlessly.  I want to give that love to myself.

“If you could do anything today, what would you do?”

I don't do mornings!

Most often I wake up in the morning ugly. Ugly physically, mentally, spiritually…I am not a morning person. I don’t wake up full of ideas or even like to talk before 10am. This morning was different.

I asked one of my friends to call me at 5am so I could get up and exercise as part of “My List” of 5 things. He called and woke me up and instead of getting OUT of bed I layed there. He sent me a text asking me if I slept OK. Maybe he was checking to see if I went back to sleep..? Anyhow I said yes and asked him, “If you could do anything today, what would you do?” He writes back that he would stay in bed. I concur…because I hate mornings. Then I started thinking…ANYTHING? anything….well I would get into my convertible Corvette, red-of course, and drive to the beach-soak up some sun and eat seafood, yeah…thats what I’d do. Wait…even better….I would drive my convertible RED corvette to the day spa and get the “one of everything.” Ohhhh that would be worth getting out of bed for! WAIT…ANYTHING, anything..I would change a life or I would heal 20 people…NOW THAT would be worth getting out of bed for….and how would I do that? I would surely get kicked out of a hospital for going around touching and praying over people! Well, at this point I had wasted 30 mins daydreaming and decided it was time to do what I needed and intended to do. Walk.

Not very long into my walk God started to talk to me about this 20 people thing…his spirit was moving in me. I was reflecting on the man laying by the pool of healing waters..in which he never needed, and how Jesus dealt with him. Take up your mat and walk Jesus told him, I was indeed talking up my mat this morning. God let me know that I was being healed this morning. I felt his presence. I felt his LOVE. The holy spirit was so strong in me this morning that while I was walking down those sidewalks I began to cry(healing waters). I could feel the holy spirit so strong in me, I felt it in my fingers and toes…everywhere. I felt my body expand and my hair stand on end. God healed me this morning…he knows that I have been laying on my mat far too long. I could hear him saying “Baby, it will be OK.”

You don’t have to be in church to experience God. You don’t even have to touch the robe of Jesus to be healed. Sometimes you just have to pick up your mat and go and then the healing is in the process of the walk. The healing is in having faith and believing that God will…that God WILL.

The thing that is bogging you down today…whether it be physical, financial, relationship, emotional, spiritual…walk with God THROUGH it. Have faith that he WILL see you through it. He will heal you…I am trusting in Him to use me today to heal 20. I was the first…because I picked up my mat. Will you pick up yours and see what happens?

Awakening

For I am the LORD, your God, 
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.  Isaiah 41:13

Awakening

I had this on my heart and mind a few days ago and I pray that because of delayed writing I don’t lose the essence of what is in me.  First of all let me say that my writing have been few and far between because of my back pain, back surgery and mega doses of pain pills for the last four or five months.  Even when I was in less pain or not in pain I had a huge brain fog because of medicines and because I was just plain ole’ worn out. 

Let me also say that when my husband and I married four months ago, it was just the starting to have the back problem and the problem had not really been identified at that time. 

Let me also say that I have been divorced and more than once.  Each time the relationship was lacking in small and in big ways and over time it was clear that the marriage was wrong.

Let me also say that it is domestic violence awareness month and each time that I share publically any part of my story it stings.  It stings because I can still feel the pain and I don’t know if it will ever stop stinging.  Let me also tell you that each time I share I grow and I blossom more.  I shared my poem about a week ago and it was hard.  It was hard because in a poem I described what I felt while being raped and what I felt when God was washing me clean from the violations I felt.

God is good, always.  At times I truly feel like my middle name, I feel like a rose.  My father is my gardener and he prunes me, feeds me and waters me.  If anyone has ‘tended to’ roses you know that as strong as they are, they are still delicate and to grow a beautiful rose it requires work and care and it requires balance. 

Allowing me to share my poem with others is a pruning of this rose.  It allows me more freedom and it allows me more focus on what is flourishing.

I asked God years ago for a husband that was loving and kind…just as the Bible describes.  Between then and now there have been many relationships that fizzled out because of the “lacking” in the relationship.  Most of all the “lacking” was not something I could name but more of a feeling of inadequateness.  

My awakening came a few days ago when I realized not only has my husband loved my through it all, and I do mean THROUGH it all…but he treated me with kindness and lifted me up at my darkest time.  He told me it will be OK when I fell apart, a few times over.  Now mind you I did not appreciate it at the time because I was in the kind pain that I have never experienced before.  I was mean at times, I was distant at times and at times I would cry with all my heart and soul…the deepest and loudest cry ever and he loved me THROUGH it all.  He did not get mad at me, he did not hurt me, he did not leave me, he did not break down in front of me and I know he must have been scared at times and hurting too.

My awakening came when my mind is clear, my body is not in pain and I am loved.  I am loved.  I am loved by a man that does not hurt me.  I am loved by a man that knows HOW to love…I mean how to love ME.  My awakening came when I know that I can fully trust him with me…with this Rose, with this heart, with this body, with this soul.  My awakening came when he told me afterwards that his family, half a world away, were lifting me up in their churches and in their homes.  My awakening came when I realized my heart was no longer breaking but was healing.  My spirit is flourishing, my light is shining brighter…I actually glow.  God has brought me the man of my prayers and the one that would allow my heart to heal.  My awakening is also knowing that God did not forget me or forsake me…ever.  

         

 According to Psalm 34:17-19 “The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from ALL their troubles.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in sprit.  A righteous man may have many troubles but the Lord delivers him from them all.” 

 

The next thing on my list.

My list:
1. run (jog) a 5K
2. lose 30lbs
3. read the pentateuch of the Bible and really try to grasp it.
4. write the first 50 pages of my book
5. host a bbq or potluck each month

The background of “my list“

In one of my social groups we read “The Next Thing on my List“…its kind of a bucket list with a twist. This lady completes someone elses bucket list. I wont give any of the story away, it is a good read.

A lot of my social group members have wrote out their 5 things to complete by the end of summer….Sept 22, 2009.

SO JOIN ME with your own list…or encourage me because this is a lot to take on.:) But to KNOW me is to KNOW I am persistent.

Love and Hugs 2 all…lets do this!

Here are some of the other group members goals: Better budget, save, money, take a vacation, get a make over, inspire or help someone else out, LOSE WT!, exercise more, 5K, eat out less, make more friends, meet new people, get comfortable with going out or eating out alone, read more books, and start and keep up with a blog.

Also from Homeward.com, this was the message of inspiration for the day:
I Am Only One, But I Am One
This devotional was written by Jim Liebelt

For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared for us in advance to do. —Ephesians 2:10

Consider the following quote:

I am only one, but I am one;
I cannot do everything
But I can do something.
What I can do, I ought to do
And what I ought to do
By the grace of God, I will do.
—Canon Farrar

And I add my little 2 cents: A single arrow is easily broken, but not ten in a bundle. Japanese Proverb (so help one another be stronger)

How much comfort is needed?

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I had the TV on and was semi-watching some lady on tv…beth ??? and she was talking about God and COMFORT ZONES. Did God know I needed to hear this?! She talked about how she was not talkative and did not like talking in front of others…and yet she now is on TV and never would she have thought she would be doing this. She was saying that God is more interested in our calling than our comfort. GOD is MORE interested in out CALLING than our COMFORT. I am a comfort person. I don’t like too much pain, too much discomfort, too much growth, too much to learn, too much newness. I like comfort, I like the old way of doing things, the way that feels good or most comfortable…so I have to work at being better. I have to allow God to use me. I have to listen to God and know his voice. I have to be prepared to be obedient. I have to make a CHOICE. CALLING or COMFORT? I am CALLED to minister…and I am making a choice today to share my experiences with or without judgment from others. Ultimately it is not about me but about my history being His Story.
Tomorrow night will be a time of discomfort and I open myself to whatever God wants to reveal through me (and Pastor CW) during The Gathering. I am grateful for the opportunity..thank you Pastor CW.
On the 28th I will attend a seminar related to my calling. Again…way outside of my comfort zone…but my main purpose in life is obedience and shutting up so that I can listen to Him.

I might fail tomorrow night and on the 28th…BUT at some point I will succeed as God sees to it.
God made us to be persistent! Matt 7:7 “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.
Right now I ask for the ability to live and think beyond my comfort zone.

rescue for the brokenhearted

Psalm 34:15-20
15 The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right;
his ears are open to their cries for help.
16 But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil;
he will erase their memory from the earth.
17 The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
19 The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.
20 For the Lord protects the bones of the righteous;
not one of them is broken!

After my divorce in 2005 this scripture has deeply touched me…especially the part where THE LORD IS CLOSE TO THE BROKENHEARTED. I had went through 4 years of my heart being very broken…matter of fact all of me was broken. It was pure survival and at the point where I would rather die than be in that marriage I knew I had to do something. Change did not happen immediately but ultimately GOD was in control. I had lost my way from him but he never left me and he wanted me back. I left my ex husband on August 18th, 2005 and that day..is my day of rescue.

When life is too tough remember that GOD is ALWAYS in control. God never forsakes you. He never gave me more than I could handle…and I will continue to share my story.

Resolutions or “flexible guidelines”

Is anyone on the track that I am on? Mentally I have leapt past Christmas and am thinking about 2009 with great enthusiasm. Every year I make a list of New Year Resolutions and these “resolutions” are less definitive and more flexible guidelines for things I need to resolve. Last year I resolved to get in better shape and eat better…I was able to do this with a moderate amount of success…I gauge that success not only by the scale but by my ability to exercise…which really has expanded. I resolved to grow as a Christian…and wow…God really allowed me to do so. Another one of my resolutions was to not shop at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart became a trap for me…money-wise and time-wise and both are important resources. I would go to the store for eggs and milk, and come out with eggs, milk, new shoes, a cute toss pillow, a few candles…and so on. I made it through half of a year before I shopped at Wal-Mart again and I can truly say that I don’t even like to go into Wal-Mart anymore. So..my new New Years Resolutions are the same regarding health…and to seek God with more passion and OBEDIENCE…and to not eat out but maybe once a month. The eating out thing has been on my mind…I eat out way too much and even if it is at a cheaper place it is still not cost worthy. It is generally not healthy either because you don’t know all of what you are getting.
So what are your resolutions?

I also resolve to participate in a marathon or triathalon.